Exactly one year ago today, we brought Julianne home. It was the best birthday present I got and it also marked the beginning of my motherhood journey having left the nurses who changed her poopy diaper, bathed her and soothed her whimpers in the nursery room during our 5 day stay at the hospital.
It has been an amazing journey this past 12 months with its share of highs and lows. A mountain view won’t be as breathtaking without those valleys – the same way my motherhood journey won’t have been the awesome experience it has been without those challenging and trying moments when I felt I must be doing everything wrong as a mother. Coping with Julianne’s reflux at its peak around her 3rd – 5th month would have been the single most trying period of the past year. I wrote about it on more than one occasion here on this blog so I shan’t sound like a record on repeat. But during those months, I had to deal with nursing strikes, bottle strikes, milk strikes, Julianne’s weight lost and a helpless baby crying during feeds from the pain it was causing her. It was most heartbreaking to watch and I felt like the world’s worst mother not being able to do anything to make the pain go away. By God’s grace, we found the wonderful Dr Vas who was spot-on with her diagnosis and who was always able to encourage me and make me realise that Julianne’s condition didn’t make me a bad mother and that one day, when she’s 21, I’ll look back at this and have a good laugh. It was such a trying period, I really thought I was slipping into depression. Thankfully, I’ve an amazing husband and strong family support who reminded me that this was just a phase and that this too shall pass and that I had my beautiful daughter in front of me, small in size yes, but hitting all her developmental milestones there really was nothing for me to worry about. And they were right, it did pass when we took her off her reflux medicines at 9 months. Today in fact, I have her reflux to thank for some of the things were had the chance to do for Julianne; like giving her all that extra TLC and cuddles and singing to her at every.single.milk.feed. so that she’ll drink her milk. Also, one big reason why I am still keeping at breastfeeding other than believing strongly that this is the best for her is also because it was so painful to see her reject drinking then that now, seeing her finish her 180ml – 200ml of milk each time is a huge deal for me and I don’t want to take that away from her. Like God says .... “... all things happen for the good of those who love the Lord ...” Romans 8:28
For every grey day, God sent 6 days of rainbow to paint our lives with colours and sunshine! Julianne is truly such a joy to be around, I can go on about what a little cheeky, adorable, mischievous, sweet, smile-radiating muchin’kin she is. At a year old, she has the innate ability to make you feel so loved. It totally completes my day when I come home to a daughter who will lay on her head on my shoulder, hug me tightly and give me a few pats on my back as if telling me “Mama, I love you. I missed you today.” And she doesn’t just do this to me. She does the same to her Gong Gong and her Yiyi when she realises they have been away from the house for an extended time. Just last night, she spent the sweetest 5 minutes with her Yiyi Sam who was out the entire day but came home in time to kiss her goodnight. I think Sam was just about to tear from all that sweetest. I am so glad our daughter knows how to show Love and I can only pray that she’ll grow up embracing God’s greatest commandment to us to “Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind ... and to Love your neighbour as yourself” Matthew 22:35-40
Motherhood has been a humbling experience to say the least. Being a perfectionist, I often prefer to do things on my own because that way, things get done just as I like them to and I don’t have to worry about being angry or frustrated with anyone if things go wrong. Looking back, there was no way I could have gone solo on this motherhood journey. My mum left her company of 33 years to stay home so that Julianne gets the best care. My husband makes every effort to come home early to bath her, blow raspberries on her tummy and more recently play hide-and-seek around her play pen just so that Julianne doesn’t grow up thinking Papa is just an imaginary creature. My dad takes Julianne off me for her daily walks just so that I can have some time to myself whether it’s to get ready for work or cook up dinner for the family. My elder sis who was miles away for a good part of the past year was always ready with an answer to the many many questions about caring for Jules that I bombarded her with and the younger sis gives Julianne a time of her life whenever she's home, she loves her so much, she returns the favour with lots of wet kisses. I’ve also not prayed as hard for wisdom and strength daily as I have in the past year. I sometimes was so afraid I’ll fail miserably at my first attempt at motherhood, it was afterall, an uncharted territory. By God’s grace I made it through. It wasn’t a perfect score for sure but I don’t think I did shabby either. I’ll like to think motherhood has made me a better person – a better wife, a better daughter, a better sister. It has made me ever more thankful for having a husband who is most accommodating, appreciate my parents more, understand better the needs of my elder sis who’s also a mother to a 3 year old as well as rationalise the emotions of my growing teenage sister.
I’ve chosen to multiply my capacity to love instead of dividing it. To give equal amounts of my love and time to my daughter, my husband and my family. To not be any less a wife, daughter, sister or friend now that I’m a mother - and that my friends has been the most challenging mathematical problem I’ve solved to date and it doesn’t help even though I am a Mathematics major. I’m not sure if I’ve even solved it because I’m still learning to love selflessly every day.
I’m looking forward to Year 2 of Motherhood. I am excited about what’s in store. I’m sure there’ll be hurdles to jump over and obstacles to overcome but I know there’ll also be sunshine to bask under and music to dance to. And the best part is, I won’t be alone. Because I’ve been blessed. Blessed with a wonderful family and an even greater God who’ll walk alongside me every step of the way.
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